So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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