My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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