A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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