when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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