Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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