alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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