First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
