so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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