if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
