i think my tv is drunk
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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