Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
