M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
