I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
