I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
