it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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