I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
