he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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