A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
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