I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
A bitchslap is in order.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
