That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
