take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
