Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
