There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
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