I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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