I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
