my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
