my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
