I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
my nose is crying tears of wow.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
