ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
