I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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