Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
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