there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Send help, water and tortillas.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
