Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
