You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
She told me I should be a condom model.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
