if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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