I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
my being single is dangerous.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
