I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
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