plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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