My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
