I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
