If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
