Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
