There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
