We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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