i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
