he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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