I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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