I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
