Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
