I wish they made helmets for livers.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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