i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
