We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize