just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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