New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Randomize
