My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
