Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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